If you want a better sex life then we need to reimagine date night…..

Ladies, how many of you would agree that sex is on the bottom of a never-ending to-do list (if it is on the list at all)?  I cannot tell you how many times a woman will tell me that they love their husband, have a great relationship but they just aren’t interested in sex.  We have been addressing this from a variety of angles.  Address any physical discomfort – if it hurts who wants to keep doing that?  You learned that hormones and the non-invasive procedure Cliovana can help with this.  Address decreased sensation and difficulty with orgasm (cue Cliovana again).  Now comes the most difficult part of all – the psychological part.  Back to my analogy a few newsletters ago, women are pilots in a cockpit and there are a 1000 buttons that have to be pushed, turned or tweaked before they will think about sex.  Libido in a women isn’t just turned on by one switch.  In addition, sex for a woman is about connection more than just a physical release.

When a man says “I want to have sex” a woman’s body doesn’t instantly stop thinking about everything they have to do.   Instead we go into a mode of… do I have time, what has to be done now, where are the kids, etc.  To get around this some couples will try to plan a time for sex but this verges on the brink of routine.  What about date night in general?   Going to a dinner can definitely be a nice night out but what are you talking about?  Work?  The kids?  What has happened this week?  These are topics you can talk about any old day.  And, more importantly, just how often do these date nights enhance your sex life?  Let me guess, not at all.  If you want a better sex life then we need to reimagine date night…..    READ ON  (men you really need to read this, too!!)

Date night’s goal is to reconnect with your partner on a deeper level which leads to increased intimacy and usually increased desire.  See, the goal is already different.  It’s not about eating at the newest restaurant.  Now, how you accomplish this will be different for every person.

When you are planning a party think of all the thought and effort that goes into that event.  You get involved with the little details and at least for me there is always something that I am super excited about.  You think of what to do, what to serve and how to dress.  So, let’s take a small amount of that energy and enthusiasm into planning a date night.  You can keep things simple and just plan a really nice meal at home.  Home?  Yes, cart the kids to the grandparents for a sleep over and just stay home.  This is a new version of date night.  Think about the lights – should there be candles or a different color of light bulb.    What about the music? If one of you loves music maybe they make a favorites playlist.   What about your clothes?  If you are adventuresome then think of a theme.  If not, keep it simple and find an outfit you feel really, really good in.  Since you are going to be at home and nobody else is going to see you maybe you wear something you normally wouldn’t go out in.  Something a little flirty?  And what about your undergarments?  Yes, those.  Maybe some new ones are due.  Both partners can be involved in all of these decisions.  It is not just on one person to do this unless you want it that way.  If your partner is resistant or doesn’t want to think about these things, that’s ok.  Scale it down and do what you want but keep in mind this is all about YOU thinking about date night.  Anticipation is what so many people are missing in their lives.  We just assume our partner is going to go to dinner with us so we don’t even ask and it’s often last minute so there is no time to prepare something special.  Think about how good you are going to look and start getting excited about what you are going to wear.  I can already hear many of you saying “I don’t look good with this extra 20 pounds I have”.  You need to STOP that negative talk.  Your partner loves you NO MATTER WHAT and if you act or feel sexy they will could care less that you have an extra 20 pounds.  They just want YOU!  Sexy is an attitude, not a size!

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Step one of date night is start thinking about it.  Plan for it.  Even if it is only one thing you can add it is still more than you had before!  Just get into the mode of making the thought of it a priority.

Now that you have all of that in mind then it’s time to come up with something to do on your date night since you are staying at home!  Date night should be fun so come up with some ideas that fit your lifestyle.  This concept is really just the tip of the iceberg so take some time to consider your options.  Maybe you go swim in your pool together at night with the lights down low.  Maybe you just sit out on the back porch and have a really deep conversation with the rule of no talk about kids or work.  How about cooking together and do a taste test?  What did you two like to do before?  Figure out ways to recreate those moments!  What about a game night?  Play darts, corn hull, cards or pop balloons. The goal is not to win but to have fun. Whatever you do,  here is the twist.  What if every time someone did X (for example, got a bean bag in the hole in corn hull) the other person had to answer a question.  I know.  You are going WHAT?  Wait a minute.  Let’s back up.  Before you start the game, maybe even at dinner, have 5-10 slips of paper for each of you.  Each person gets to write down a question for the other person.  You can keep the stacks separate or mix them together so you might just be answering your own question.  The point of this is connection so let me give you some examples of some questions.

What is your favorite memory of us?

What is your favorite part of my body?

When did you realize you were in love with me?

What was your first impression of me when we first met?

What is your favorite trip we have been on together?

You want questions that make you feel more connected with each other.  If you want, you can spice them up as much as you want but if you have never done this before you might want to keep it fairly tame to begin with. You can always go back and add questions later.  Whatever game you are playing set the rules of what has to happen for the other person to draw a question.  Don’t make it who wins the game because you would be missing the point.

What if your partner is too competitive to play games or is just not into it?  Then ditch the game and see if you can just exchange questions.  Everyone will have their own comfort level so you have to respect this and work with your partner.

Date night doesn’t have to end up with sex but when you feel more connected it is often the next step.  Just the thinking and planning for it can help boost libido, too!   How often you plan a date night is up to you but even once a month gives you time to really think about it and what you do in the meantime is up to you.

To your health,

Laura